My mother is gone. She died last Sunday. On Mother’s Day, of all days. It is hard to write about running right now. It feels inconsequential. It is like focusing on the place settings at a wedding. My mind is not there. It is not that I am not running. Far from it. After much soul searching and discussions with friends, I ran the marathon that I was scheduled to run yesterday. I am not sure that I did the right thing. Either way, my mind is somewhere else.
I will not be writing a race report. Usually I give a recap of each mile with a mixture of humor (or at the very least attempted humor) and poignancy. I don’t have it in me. I suspect my feelings about my mom will be there in my writing for a while, consciously at the beginning and subconsciously afterwards.
I don’t know if she was “with me” while I ran. There are different views in Judaism about what the dead are aware of. I don’t know what to believe. Either way, she was on my mind for much of the race. When I struggled during the last six miles, I thought of her fighting spirit, and kept moving my feet.
Whenever I would call her after running a race, she would tell how proud she was. She didn’t really get the whole racing thing and would have been proud if I would have run a 5k in five hours. Still, she got the mom thing and was encouraging in all that I did.
I miss her.
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Sigh.
ReplyDeleteHi. I'm a lurker on the loop (RW), and read your post, and felt the need to send you my condolences. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother, and I hope your journey through the grieving process eventually brings you peace.
ReplyDeleteI lost my father on March 3, a little over two months ago. I had started training for a half-marathon shortly before finding out that his prognosis was 6 months (we found out on Jan. 13--he'd been battling cancer for a year), but he passed away not even two months after the prognosis. I wanted my father to see me run the half--I knew he would be so proud, but he passed away before it happened. After he died, like you, I debated about finishing the training and completing the half. But on April 11, I did it, and I am so proud that I did. I had struggled spiritually a great deal after my father died, but it's almost like things changed (for the better) on April 11 when I crossed that finish line, and I feel that all of those questions and doubts I had regarding my own faith and spirituality were answered or put at ease.
I don't know if I "felt" my father that day, although I wish I could say that more than anything.
I'm a teacher, and once school lets out, I plan on writing about my father's passing along with the half marathon completion. The blog site is whereverifit.blogspot.com.
Peace and love,
Jennifer, a RW lurker
I'm so sorry for your loss. Your mother has been in my thoughts since your post a couple of weeks ago. I like how you said "she got the mom thing and was encouraging in all that I did." That says it all.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts go out to you and your family. I lost my mom 20 years ago due to cancer she was only 50 years old at the time.
ReplyDeleteHarry